atashi no…

June 20, 2008

GomAvex! (Gottsan Joins Avex)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Masa @ 1:26 am

Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket

After a long wait (or a wait that seemed to take forever by a fans standard anyway) she’s back from the dead! GomAvex is a sad word I’ve personally coined, combining Gomaki and Avex… hah … hah…yes it is sad, but in my defense it came to me and I didn’t think about it at all! Anyway, I love this new look for Maki! She said she was tired of the idol world and her brother’s arrest and her own smoking scandal didn’t help much. She’s under the R&B umbrella of Avex (AKA Rhythm Zone) I wonder if Gocchin is really going to do R&B … She totally looks capable with her new look. That said she did a great job in Gomattou’s SHALL WE LOVE song, anyone remember that one-shot group?

They were said to have been based off of R&B

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She certainly looks different than the curly haired Maki of the new Avex, but I’m sure it’s merely an improved, more mature Gomaki. The new Maki looks so much better than “SOME BOYS TOUCH” Gocchin, were she looked…. kinda … Whored out by Hello! Project, it was a sad attempt at Sexy. Now this Avex understand, I mean, just look at some of their artists… Koda Kumi, Hamasaki, BoA… some of the BIGGEST names in Japan!

Goto Maki will surely continue, and even grow her fanbase. Everyone seems to be on edge to see what’s going to happen next, trust me, I have a Hello! Project guild Gomaki is a HUGE deal! Someone ALWAYS has something to say! She’s incredibly talented on top of all of that, so she’ll definitely have success! Yet I feel like Gomaki has rebirthed… I remember reading a belief that Life was Practice for Death… I’m stretching this, but it’s like Hello! Project was her life… and now she’s Dead… but at the same time it’s merely the beginning, like the circle of life. She had her practice, now it’s time for the show… No sign of what her song will be. There were some rumors of her joining Avex and say that she was going to release a single the 7th of May this year, obviously that wasn’t true since it’s June and we just found out the Avex contract was true.

Jade Valerie (the EX-Sweetbox who went solo) released her Bitter Sweet Symphony Album, it’s pretty strong. My favorite is “Mr. Pay Me” “Undone” & “Unbreakable” I haven’t really explored her other songs, too busy with her first album “Out of the Box” with songs like ‘Show Me’ ‘Just Another Day’ & ‘You Don’t Know Me’ I just checked out her site and she says she really likes her song “Like a Bird” so I guess I’m checking that out now :D

To celebrate I’ve posted some Gocchin Songs biggrin.gif (soloist of course)
Gochamaze Love (from her fan club solo of so long ago when she was in Momusu, before her solo act)
Afurechau Be in Love… (a Passionate Remix)
Afurechau Be in Love…
Ai no bakayarou
Akai Nikkichou (Goto Version)
Glass no Pumps
Hips Don’t Lie (Live Cover of Shakira’s song)
Love. Believe It
Love KAN Coffee
Olivia Wo Kikinagara (2005 Version)
paint it gold
scramble
Secret
SHALL WE LOVE (Goto Version)
Shiawase Desu Ga? (Goto Version)
SOME BOYS TOUCH
SOME BOYS TOUCH (instrumental)
Suki Sugite Baka Mitai (Gotou Version)
Suppin To namida
Nee Samishikute
Namida no Hoshi
Daite yo! Please Go On
Uwasa no Sexy Guy
Mirai no Tobira (Gomaki w/ Melon Kinenbi)
Kuchizuke no sono Ato (Goto Version)
himitsu
genshoku gal hadeni ikube

June 17, 2008

Daria quotes (taken straight from Wiki)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Masa @ 1:03 am

I was too lazy to type them up myself, I do love the series though… and yeah I did leave all the [edit] things that wiki had in it, I’m lazy ;p but Daria is amazing, I grew up with it, I wish it was still on TV (that and the Boondocks, but maybe that appeared on again??? no idea.)

anyway… on to the QUOTES

Season One

[edit] “Sealed With A Kick”

This is the first unaired short of Daria, which mainly intended to show MTV executives the look and feel of the show. After Daria forgets to give Kevin back the pencil she borrowed from him, the not-so-sharp QB becomes convinced of her romantic feelings toward him.
Kevin: Let’s not play games, Daria. You desire me, don’t you?
Daria: Uh, excuse me?
Kevin: I can tell. It’s like a fifth sense I got.
Daria: I just got blown off by a guy I didn’t even go after.
Jane: You should find a safe, legal alternative to killing him.
Daria: I already have. When I get through with him, there’ll be nothing left but jelly.
Jane: Well, you won’t have to do anything to his brain.
Helen: Do you want to talk to us about anything, honey?
(doorbell rings)
Daria: I was just about to open up, too. (leaves)
Helen: You think she meant it?

[“Esteemsters” [1.01]

It’s the first day at a new school for Daria and her sister Quinn. While Quinn is immediately accepted by the popular crowd, Daria is targeted for having low self-esteem after she smart-mouths her way through a school mandated psychological exam.
Helen: Daria, your father’s trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them. You’re in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. You don’t want it to be Highland all over again.
Daria: Not much chance of that happening… unless there’s uranium in the drinking water here, too.
Ms. Li: As you can see, our Lawndale high students take great pride in their school. That’s why you’ll each be taking a small psychological exam to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High.
Daria: S.O.S., girl overboard.
Quinn: Nobody told me about any test!
Daria: (sarcastically) Don’t worry. It’s a psychological test. You’re automatically exempt.
Quinn: Oh. All right.
Mrs. Manson: Now, Dora, let’s see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister’s.
Daria: It’s Daria.
Mrs. Manson: I’m sorry… Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?
Daria: Um… a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren’t any ponies. It’s two people.
Daria: Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
Mrs. Manson: That’s a different test, dear. In this test, they’re people and you tell me what they’re discussing.
Daria: Oh… I see. All right, then. It’s a guy and a girl and they’re discussing… a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Mr. DeMartino: Daria, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the doctrine of Mainfest Destiny?
Daria: Manifest Destiny was a slogan popular in the 1840s. It was used by people who claimed it was God’s will for the U.S. to expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean. (pause) These people did not include many Mexicans.
Mr. DeMartino: Son, promise me you’ll come back and see me some day, when you’ve got the Heisman Trophy and a chain of auto-dealerships and I’M saving up for a second pair of pants! Will you promise me that, Kevin?
Kevin: (no trace of irony) Sure!
Jake: What about you, Daria? How was your first day?
Daria: Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers, but there are some interesting idiots in my class.
Jake: That’s great!
Helen: We tell you over and over again that you’re wonderful, and you just don’t get it. What’s wrong with you?!
Daria: Don’t worry. I don’t have low self-esteem. It’s a mistake.
Jake: I’ll say!
Daria: I have low esteem for everyone else.
Jane: I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.
Mr. O’Neill: What’s a daydream that you’d like to see come true?
Daria: Well… I guess I’d like my whole family to do something together.
Mr. O’Neill: Excellent!
Daria: Something that’ll really make them suffer.
Ms. Li: Now, Mr. O’Neill has exciting news about our after-school self-esteem class.
Daria: (dryly) This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.
Jane: Usually when I have this dream I’m wearing pink taffeta.
Jane: I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. (glances at Daria, smirks, then launches into her act) On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel… kind of bad… like a big failure or something… (audience starts tittering) I… uh… I want to go home! (sobs and runs off stage)
Quinn: Ooh! I’ll have to lock myself in my room until I die, I’ll never talk to anyone for the rest of my life! (phone rings) That’s for me!

[“The Invitation” [1.02]

After helping out Brittany with an art class assignment, Daria is invited an upcoming party.
Kevin: Yo, Mack Daddy. You coming to Brittany’s party?
Mack: Don’t call me that, okay? What’s this party for, anyway?
Kevin: Um…
Mack: Stop if it starts to hurt.
Brittany: I love being the hostess. It’s so easy to get home at the end of the night.
Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.
Trent: No problem. I needed a break anyway. I’ve been practicing for ten hours straight.
Jane: Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?
Trent: As long as you don’t drop it.
Trent: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.
Tori Jericho: Now she’s really popular, but not as popular as she is. He’s medium popular, and he just bought a great car so soon he’ll be getting more popular. That guy was just popular enough to be invited, but now he needs to hook up with a girl who’s more popular than he is.
Jane: Chin up, nose up, let’s go.
Upchuck: Chuck Ruttheimer here. And you are…?
Jane: Jane.
Daria: Esmerelda.
Upchuck: I’ll be your social director for the evening. Would you ladies like a tour of the house? It’s… free.
Daria: Do you accept tips?
Upchuck: Of course.
Daria: Ditch the bangs.
Upchuck: Feisty…
Jane: Those guys are looking at us…
Daria: Don’t they know we’re from two different worlds: ‘regular’ and ‘popular’?
Party Guy 1: Hey. Partying hard, or hardly partying?
Daria: Hardly interested.
Party Guy 2: So… where you girls been all our lives?
Daria: Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room and we thought we would die here, alone. But now you’ve arrived and our lives can truly begin.
Party Guy 2: (nudging his friend) She likes you!
Quinn: Aren’t you a little out of place here? And everywhere else on Earth?
Daria: (as everyone starts dancing around her) It’s the soul train. Beep beep. Get on board.
Jane: Ready to go?
Daria: I was ready to go before we got here.
Jane: So, have fun?
Daria: Well, I didn’t talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well and I’m going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night.
Quinn: (cheerfully) Stop it, stop fighting. This is horrible. (to Jodie) They’re fighting over me.
Upchuck: To your left, the home of the town director of public works, built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, the future!

[“College Bored” [1.03]

During a visit to Jake and Helen’s alma mater, each of the Morgendorffers wander off to experience the realities of college.
Quinn: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
Daria: What about unpopular animals?
Quinn: Unpopular animals don’t count.
Daria: What about the stupid ones?
Daria: How come even in my fantasies everyone’s a jerk?
Helen: College men. Animals! (beat) Quinn!
Jane: Thrown out of college without enrolling first, I am damn proud of you!
Jane: What happened to all your paper-writing money?
Daria: My mom wouldn’t let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.
Jane: So, she’s giving up being a lawyer?
Daria: I asked her that. And I’m sure some day we’ll once again be on speaking terms.
Kevin: Pst. Daria, what did you get for number one?
Daria: The thing about who I really am?
Kevin: Yeah.
Daria: Try “cross-dresser.”
Kevin: Thanks man, I owe you one.
Daria: Okay, look, I’m not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it… anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don’t base your thesis on something he said while making out.
College Girl: Mm. What about something he said when we broke up?
Daria: No.

[“Caffe Disaffecto” [1.04]

Mr. O’Neill decides to start a coffee house for Lawndale’s youth to interact when the local cybercafé is vandalized. Daria is forced to do a reading there on its opening night when threatened with a summer of music camp.
Kevin: Daria, you’re a chick, right?
Daria: Why? You have a biology test today?
Daria: Can I go with my friend Jane?
Mr. O’Neill: Sure! She wants to help out?
Daria: Umm Hmm. She’s a big joiner.
Jane: No way baby.
Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
Daria: Well then do it for sisterhood or something.
Jane: Are you nuts.
Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people’s houses and find out what screwed up tastes they have.
Jane: I’m bringing a Polaroid.
Jane: Do you know CPR?
Daria: I once gave the Heimlich Maneuver to Quinn.
Jane: Did it work?
Daria: She wasn’t choking.
Jane: Five dollars apiece, we would have made over 100 bucks.
Daria: Yeah, and all we had to do was take a human life.
Jane: You always see the downside, don’t you?
Daria: She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would have killed her.
Jane: She passed out while we were standing there.
Mrs Li: Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate?
Daria: No.
Mrs Li: How do you know it wasn’t for her family?
Jane: She has no family. She ate them.
Ms. Li: You have no overall problem with raising money for the coffeehouse?
Daria: I believe in coffee. Coffee for everyone. But I don’t want to sell any more chocolate bars. It makes me feel dirty.
Jane: The bad kind of dirty.

[“Malled” [1.05]

Daria is forced to go the region’s Mecca of consumerism, the Mall of the Millennium, for her Economics class, only to find Quinn already there against their parents’ wishes.
Quinn: It’s not a mall, it’s the super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. Shop there forever!
Daria: If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says: Imagine all the people…. browsing in a mall. Isn’t that weird?
Brittany: This is great! Kevin and I love going to the mall during school. I mean, between classes. I mean- what do I mean, babe?
Kevin: What’s the difference babe? You look hot.
Upchuck: Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card? Very advantageous when it belongs to your father! Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his secretary. Hee hee hee hee…. But I need a couple of models. The two of you are about her size. What do you say, girls?
Jane: Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards?
Jane: I didn’t know you got car sick.
Daria: I don’t, usually. It’s the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-
Jane: Teen spirit?
Daria: Cheap perfume.
Jane: Brittany must be working up a sweat.
Brittany: Where are we going? The mall! What are we spending? Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Go class!
Daria: You don’t get it, there’s a principle involved.
Jodie: No there isn’t.
Sandi: That’s so great, Quinn. That is such a great idea. You guys should impeach me and make Quinn president!
Quinn: Oh Sandi, I would never have had that idea if it weren’t for you. You said, “The Fashion Club should do more for the community.” You’re a great leader.
Sandi: That’s cuz you guys are such great leadettes.
(Daria throws up messily)
Jane: Bienvenidos de la Mall of the Millenium.
Daria: (Jane hands her a gift certificate) “The Doodad Shop”. Oh good. I’ve always wanted my own doodad.
Store Manager: You’re our winner!
Daria: Winner?
Jane: You know — it’s another word for loser.

[“This Year’s Model” [1.06]

Lawndale High is in an uproar when two talent scouts for the Amazon Modeling Agency, Claude and Romonica, visit the school to recruit potential models from the student body.
Jane: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. You have the coolest room.
Daria: It’s got pros and cons. You can’t hurt yourself in here. But you can’t hurt anybody else either.
Jane: I wish there had been a schizophrenic shut-in living in our house before we moved in. Of course, we’ve got Trent there now, that’s almost the same thing.
Claude: Oh! Look at you, so waiflike, so pouty! Could you remove your glasses?
Daria: Could you remove your halter-top?
Claude: Pardon?
Daria: I can’t take my glasses off. I need them to see scam artists.
Jodie: It’s completely voluntary - what’s the problem?
Daria: No problem. But why stop at modeling? Maybe there’s a go-go bar downtown that would like to come here to recruit lap dancers.
Jodie: Don’t mention that idea to Brittany.
Claude: Now, girls, you’re little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to look sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it’s kitty heaven.
Jane: Kitty heaven?
Daria: How does he know they’re not going to kitty hell?
Trent: Hey Janey.
Jane: Yo! Trent, what are you doing here?
Trent: Oh, you know. Whatever.
Jane: Mom and Dad know you left the house voluntarily?
Mr. O’Neill: Is Mr. Thoreau really turning his back on the world by moving to Walden Pond, or is he, by his example, trying desperately to save the world after all? (looks at Brittany) Normandy?
Brittany (Mad look on face) Brittany. He wasn’t on Walden Pond because he hated the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know, he was her father in real life, too.
Daria: Isn’t modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?
Ms. Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
Jane: And don’t fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
Ms. Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I’d be cheating our student body if I didn’t allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
Ms. Li: That is really none of your business!
Daria: But I don’t want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I’m trying to fulfill my potential. [Daria innocently grins]
Ms. Li: The school is receiving a fee for its cooperation, but every cent is going to capital improvements! We’re finally going to get those bulletproof skylights for the swimming pool.
Jane: Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the [Faux accent] “modeling spirit.”
Ms. Li: Excellent!
Jane May I be excused? I’d like to go to the girls’ room and vomit up breakfast.
Quinn: You gotta let me do this! You always say that I can be anything I want to be.
Helen: Yes, we do say that.
Daria: That reminds me, may I become queen of Brazil?
Romonica: All right, ladies. Now, when you stride down the runway, you’re walking towards your car. You’ve spotted a headless corpse in it… and it’s a brand new car!
Daria: And a smelly old corpse.
Jane: In a really bad outfit.

[“The Lab Brat” [1.07]

Daria and Kevin are partnered up for a science project, against the will of Brittany (and Daria, for that matter) who suspects that Daria maybe trying to lure Kevin away from her.
Ms. Barch: If only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! (slams pointer on desk) Just- like- that!
Daria: I wonder why he left.
Ms. Barch: Now, before I divide the class into teams of two, who can give me another example of reinforcement? (no reply) Fine, class. Ignore me…. just like he did! Kevin?
Kevin: Uh-
Ms. Barch: Shut up, Kevin!
Brittany: (to Kevin) But babe, we’ve never been separated on a lab project before. What will we do?
Daria: Pass?
Brittany: Wait, how did you get this? You pervert!
Upchuck: Silly me! I was taking pictures and forgot I had the telephoto lens on.
Kevin: Is this the mouse we’re supposed to be training?
Daria: You don’t recognize him after all your hours together?
Brittany: All right, I’m going. But I’m warning you, miss smarty-ness: I know how to fight for my man!
Kevin: (angry) What “man”?!
Brittany: Ooh! Can you believe Daria’s trying to take Kevin away from me?
Jody: I can’t believe anyone would try to take Kevin away from you.
Brittany: Thanks! You’re a friend!
Daria: Brittany, a deal. The mouse for Kevin.
Brittany: Deal.
Daria & Brittany: (thinking) Sucker.
Brittany: Let’s go, Kevin.
Kevin: Daria, I can still come over and watch the Pigskin Channel, right?
Daria & Brittany: (thinking) Jerk.
Ms. Barch: Excellent job, Daria. You get an “A.”
Kevin: All right!
Ms. Barch: Not you, you man! You get a “D.”
Kevin: (pause) All right!
Kevin: Hey, Daria?
Daria: Yes?
Kevin: I’m having a big party Friday, and I want a lot of cool people there. Could you….
Daria: Yes?
Kevin: Ask Quinn if she could make it?

[“Pinch Sitter” [1.08]

After studying about cults in school, Daria gets an hands-on encounter when she babysits Tad and Tricia Gupty, a couple of sickeningly sweet children she decideds to de-brainwash.
Mr. DeMartino: While we continue our discussion of CULTS, can anyone give me another example of a group using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and SOCIAL ISOLATION to achieve control over its members? Brittany?
Brittany: Cheerleading?
Mr. DeMartino: Ah Brittany, sometimes despite a complete lack of INSIGHT, you stumble upon an interesting answer.
Brittany: Wow, and I didn’t even read the chapter.
Quinn: People are so weird!
Daria: Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.
Helen: I can’t have another fiasco like last Saturday night. Think of how it must have felt when those three boys all showed up at the same time!
Quinn: It felt great!
Deena: Great, and what are your priorities Quinn?
Quinn: 1. Dating, 2. Shopping, 3. Bouncy hair, 4. School.
Tricia: Sugar is bad.
Tad: Sugar rots your teeth.
Tricia: Sugar makes you hyper.
Tad: Hitler ate sugar.
Daria: Do you always do exactly what adults tell you?
Tad: Yes!
Daria: Do you always believe everything they say?
Tricia: Yup!
Daria: But what if two adults say exactly opposite things?
Tad: (starts to cry)
Daria: (Tricia pulls her hair) Ouch!
Tricia: You’re mean!
Daria :( answers the door with her hair in pigtails) Thank god you’re here.
Jane: All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey Trent, come look at this! [Daria pulls Jane into house]]
Daria: Where did you learn to babysit?
Jane: I used to help with my sister Summer’s kids, until they got old enough to run away.
Daria: Just don’t tell your parents we let you stay up late.
Tad: Do we look stupid or something?
Daria: So Cinderella skipped the ball and asked her fairy Godmother to make her the first woman president. Realizing that the monarchy was becoming obsolete, the prince opened a video store.
Tad: But too much TV is bad for you.
Tricia It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.
Daria Well, that’ll make three of us.

[“Too Cute” [1.09]

Quinn becomes obsessed with getting plastic surgery after a Fashion Club hopeful shows up to school with a new nose.
Sandi: So then I said, sure it’s a nice car. Do you have enough gas to get back to Loserville?
Dr. Shar: It puts a frown on my face and I don’t like having a frown on my face.
Daria: Maybe you could inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile?
Daria: (opens box) Oh yeah. She’s got my number all right. “Dr Shar’s pre-implant temporary bust augmentations. For evaluation purposes only.” She knew just what I needed. (picks one up) Practice boobs.
Jane: Anyway, I don’t think your attitude is so bad. You probably only need one fake boob.
Kevin: It’s really bumming me out that people hate the way I look!
Daria: Well, a respectable member of the medical community once told me that “money can make anyone beautiful”.
Kevin: Hey, thanks Daria! (walks off)
Jane: What do you think he thinks you meant?
Daria: What’s the difference? He’s gone.
Jane: Well come on! Where are they?
Daria: (thumbing at locker) In here.
Jane: Oh Daria, don’t be shy. Show me your boobs.
Quinn: Where else am I going to get $6000?
Jane: Take up a collection? (Quinn looks enlightened and walks off)
Daria: You’re paying for my therapy.
Quinn: So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it’s like we’re all sharing the surgery. We’re making a statement about solidarity!
Andrea: Solidarity?
Quinn: You know, sisterhood is powerful!
Andrea: Aren’t you a little worried that there may be a hell?
Helen: I mean, when a woman is elected president, it won’t be because she got breast implants.
Daria: At least her people will deny it.
Quinn: What’s rhinoplasty?
Daria: Exactly what it sounds like.
Daria: So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for six thousand dollars.
Jane: Miss Pert ‘N Pretty? What can she possibly need for six G’s, other than a new personality?
Daria: Wait, there’s more. Then she announces for twenty grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn.
Jane: :scoffs: Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs six thousand dollars’ worth of plastic surgery!

[“The Big House” [1.10]

Daria and Quinn are sentenced to a month of house arrest after the Morgendorffers experiment with Family Court.
Helen: The point is you were out way too late which is why tonight we’re going to-
Quinn: Destroy our living with your crushing rules and regulations? I can’t breathe, Mother, I can’t breathe!
Daria: Look, someone once said the most important thing in life is not to look like a geek. Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?
Quinn: This sucks.
Helen: What have I said about using that word?
Quinn: That you would ground me or something?
Daria: There’s no sadder sight on this earth, than a football player trying to think.
Jane: Who said that?
Daria: I believe it was Jefferson.
Quinn: Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Daria: Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Jake: It can’t be Jefferson.
Quinn: Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
{Daria is playing a harmonica}

Jake: Yeah, hi, Daria. I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now.
Daria: [as deadpan as ever] Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird.

[edit] Road Worrier

Daria travels with Jane,her brother, Trent, and his friend, Jessie (both make up half of Mystik Spiral), to Alternapalooza while Quinn travels there with her Fashion Club friends.

Trent: Hey, Daria.
Daria: (to herself) Can’t speak…. must speak…. (aloud) Hey.
Trent: What do ya think of the song?
Daria: (to herself) It has a beat and you can dance to it. If you have no shame.(aloud) Umm, cool.
Jane: Daria thinks the name “Mystic Spiral” sounds like a Doors cover band that plays brew pubs. Don’t you, Daria?
Daria: That’s not exactly what I-
Trent: Hmm, maybe you’re right. Would it help if we spelled mystic with two y’s?
Daria: (To herself) And I’ll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A, and be crowned Miss America. (aloud) It might.
Trent: This is like that R.E.M. video. Except you can’t read anyone’s mind.
Daria: (subtitle) Thank God.
Waitress: You kids goin’ to that rock and roll shindig out near Swedesville?
Daria: No. We made a wrong turn on our way to Paris. (others laugh)
Waitress: You got a mouth on ya, don’t ya?
Daria: Why?
Waitress: Ever thought of becoming a waitress?
Daria: I’ve got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass-
Jane: -and all in front of Trent.
Daria: Now turn the knife counter-clockwise.
Daria: They’re not going to make fun of me?
Jane: For peeing in the woods? They’re in a band Daria, those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.
Jesse: That reminds me, you owe me a shirt.

[edit] The Teachings of Don Jake

Jake: Isn’t this great? For the next 72 hours we’re going to live off what nature sent our way! See that stream? That’s our drinking water! See those berries? That’s our breakfast!
Daria: See that skeleton? That’s our future. (the family looks urgently at where she points) Made you look.
Jane: Trent. Trent. Trent!
Trent: (wakes up) Officer, it’s not even my car.
Jane: Let’s think strategy. I don’t wanna arrive without a plan.
Trent: Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don’t leave it until we’re unconscious.
Jane: Good plan. But first of all, they probably wouldn’t serve me. And second, I don’t want to pass out. And third, right before you pass out, you’ll decide it’s time to be honest with everyone.
Trent: Oh yeah. Bad idea.
Grandmother: Janey.
Jane: Yes, Grandma?
Grandmother: Come closer.
Jane: Yes, Grandma?
Grandmother: Closer.
Jane: Yes, Grandma?
Grandmother: Closer….
Jane: Yes, Grandma?
Grandmother: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Quinn: So Cinderella said, “I can’t go to the ball in these rags.” And her fairy godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold. Big clunky silver and gold sequins, like you wouldn’t wear to one of those seventies nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, instead she looked bloated!
Helen: Quinn, honey, is this really a scary story?
Quinn: Wait! I haven’t gotten to the shoes yet!
Quinn: What’s dad so worked up about anyway?
Helen: Oh Quinn, it’s not easy being an adult.
Quinn: He can drive, he never has to take a pop quiz and he can order a mimosa any time he wants. What’s the problem?
Helen: He’s… it’s hard for you to understand. You’re like a fresh new bud just on the threshold of opening.
Quinn: EWW! Mom, you’re not going to talk about puberty are you?
Helen: (sits on a rock) I can’t go on. Leave me here.
Quinn: Mo-OM?
Helen: (succumbing to delerium) Go on Quinn, you’re so young, so beautiful. You should lead the tribe into the new century.
Quinn: What “tribe”? Mom, what’s wrong with you?
Helen: Now go tell Grey Fox I have given my blessing. (passes out)
Quinn: This is really scary, Daria.
Daria: All right, let’s not get panicked. We’re going to look at the situation calmly and objectively. Agreed?
Quinn: OK.
Daria: We’re out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we’re here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.
Quinn: Yes.
Daria: (pause) This is really scary, Quinn.
(Daria answers Helen’s mobile phone)
Man: (over phone) Helen, have you got a few minutes to go over these depositions?
Jake: (running past in his underwear) There he is! Behind that pack of zebras! (runs off)
(Quinn runs past with mud on her face, followed by Helen with twigs in her hair)
Daria: (into phone) She’ll have to call you back.

[edit] The Misery Chick

Mack: I know all about it. Jodie’s giving the speech about the new goal post, remember?
Kevin: Oh yeah! Does she need any help with ideas for that? Like, from a quarterback’s point of view.
Mack: Gee. I’ll ask her. When there aren’t any sharp objects around.
Jodie: Good afternoon students, faculty, and distinguished alumni of Lawndale High. As a representative of your student council…. Any ideas?
Daria: It is my privilege today to once again send the message that learning is no substitute for winning.
Jane: And that it’s not how hard you study. It’s how hard you play football.
Kevin: Tommy Sherman!
Tommy: That’s the name. Don’t wear it out.
Daria: Look, wanna get some pizza?
Jane: I’m going running.
Daria: After?
Jane: I don’t know, it’s going to be a long run.
Sandi: So like, what’s your advice?
Daria: Find some other way to feel. Then you won’t feel sad. Good luck.
Sandi: That’s what I get for ten dollars? Are you kidding?
Daria: See, it’s working already.
Sandi: [pause] Thanks.
Jane: You just made ten bucks off that poor girl’s suffering!
Daria: Yeah…. That was wrong.
Jane: Really. Next time-
Daria: Twenty.
Jane: I don’t like it when I say people should die and then they do. I don’t want that kind of responsibility.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Arts ‘n’ Crass

Ms. Li: Entry is strictly voluntary of course, although frankly I don’t see how any of you could think of passing up the chance to bring honour unto yourself and unto Lawndale High.
Jane: “Unto”?
Daria: Buckle my shoe.
Brittany: I wanted to tell her I’ve got a great idea for a poster!
Daria: Me, too. Mine’s going to be about cheerleading.
Brittany: Oh, no! Now what’ll I do?
Jane: You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I’m going to do something that really represents student life.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And tell the truth about how much it can suck.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And you’re going to help.
Daria: No.
Marianne: Helen? It’s your daughter’s teacher.
Helen: Tell them I’ll make sure Quinn turns in the assignment on Monday, oh and, try to find out what the assignment is and if you could get started making notes on it.
Marianne: It’s your other daughter, I think.
Helen: Daria? Well then, tell them I’ll talk to her about her attitude and try to find out who she insulted and what she said.
Mr. O’Neill: Um, Brittany, I see the gang but I don’t see anything representing “don’t”
Brittany: Oh yeah. Where’s my lipstick? (leaves)
Jane: And that’s how good art becomes great art!
Trent: You did the right thing, coming to me.
Daria: Sorry we woke you up.
Trent: Don’t worry about it, it was bound to happen sooner or later. All right, here’s the plan. I’ll sit right here with my foot on the accelerator ready to burn rubber.
Jane: Trent, pull over here and make sure you turn off the car in case you fall asleep okay?
Trent: Alternate plan. Cool.
Jodie: (walking up) What are you guys doing here?
Daria: Observing.
Jane: Innocently.
Jodie: I can’t believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. Wait a minute- What are you guys planning?
Daria: Get lost, Landon.
Jane: It’s for your own good.
Daria: You’ve got a bright future, kid.
Jane: You don’t want to be here when what’s going to go down goes down.
Ms. Li: Did you really think you were going to get away with it?
Jane: Well, it would be stupid to say yes now.

[edit] The Daria Hunter

Mr. DeMartino: And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria.
Daria: Because no high school education is complete until you’ve chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?
Brittany: Oh no, you’re hit, you’re out of the game.
Jane: Damnit! Oh well.
Brittany: Poor kid. She never had a chance.
Daria: I can’t shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway.
Daria: Ow!
Jane: Sorry.
Daria: What took you so long?
Jane: I stopped to wipe out a village of farmers.
Sandi: Gee, if everyone’s on Quinn’s side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.
Quinn: Don’t be silly; I would never try to be president. As long as you were around.
Quinn: Sandi looks really cute.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Quinn: Cuter than me?
Tiffany: Oh no. You’re way cuter.

[edit] Quinn the Brain

Daria: Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute and dump your date?
Quinn: Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care.
Daria: Well, that advice should prove very helpful. Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it’s almost like depth.
Quinn: Thanks.
Kevin: Babe, I’ve got a plan.
Britanny: I bet you do, you…. you…. high school Casablanca!
Daria: Only Quinn could turn being smart into a fad.
Jane: Today it’s brains, tomorrow it’s pierced tongues. Then the next day…. Pierced brains.
Daria: (puts head in locker) Do me a favor will you?
Jane: Yeah?
Daria: Close my locker.
Quinn: I mean, I really like the way this is getting to Daria, but I’m starting to feel like a phoney.
Jane: You’re starting to feel like a phoney?!
Jane: I guess things are back to normal.
Daria: Fashion…. Good. Thinking…. Bad.
Jane: Yeah, we win.
Daria: I’m on top of the world.

[edit] I Don’t

Jane: Oh Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day.
Daria: I will kill you. And bury your body, in this dress.
Brittany: What about you? Are you in a play or something?
Daria: Yes. I’m playing Mrs. Lincoln, after she went crazy.
Brittany: I didn’t know she went crazy.
Jane: Oh, yeah. That’s why Lincoln shot himself.
Brittany: Wow!
Jodie: Come on, Brittany. Let’s finish outfitting, and I’ll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.
Brittany: You mean the bullet didn’t kill him?
Jake: I don’t know why you didn’t let me bring the golf clubs.
Helen: Jake, we’re here to see our family. Not to have fun.
Daria: (Approaching the hotel where the wedding will take place) Redrum! Redrum!
Mack: When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you?
Kevin: Sometimes.
Amy: I don’t mind a few dents. But change the radio station and you’re a dead man.
Daria: We are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.
Daria: Actually, I’m in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob.
Lurman: (mumbles incoherently)
Daria: Uh-huh. W-What did you say?
Lurman: Just a little pointless chit-chat. Forget it.
Lurman: Would you like another soda?
Daria: No, uh-
Lurman: Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner? (Daria’s eyes widen and she gives Lurman an odd look) Please be assured that my remark was intended in jest and not as an incitement to any type of actual self-destructive behavior.
Daria: You’re not from around here, are you?
Lurman: I’m sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard “intelligence”, but that can’t be right.
Amy: I hate myself in a formal dress. And everyone else too.
Amy: I have some vague memories of high school. But these days you all carry weapons, right?
Daria: Well, not to formal occasions like this.
Amy: That’s where you kids make your mistake.
Bridesmaid 1: Not even the pep squad?
Daria: Not even the pep squad. I’ll be honest with you, Daphne. I just can’t find the time.
Bridesmaid 2: How come?
Daria: Well, first of all there’s my work.
Bridesmaid 3: What do you do?
Daria: I’m an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dance for strange men.
Bridesmaid 1: Really? Wow.
Lurman: She’s really very good.
Daria: Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humilating, or is it just a phase?
Amy: Just a phase. I’m expecting to grow out of it anytime now.

[edit] That Was Then, This Is Dumb

Helen: They’re here! I hope they don’t think I’ve changed too much.
Daria: Just be yourself. That’s what you’ve always told me.
Helen: I could kick myself for that.
Quinn: What kind of car is that?
Daria: That’s not a car. It’s a time machine.
Quinn: Daria, you can’t leave me here with those, those… yuppies!
Daria: Yuppies are from the ’80s.
Quinn: So what do you call people in funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?
Daria: Trekkies.
Daria: There’s nothing like watching the sun rise. Except watching the sun set in reverse.
Daria: Are you nuts?
Jane: Hey, you can always go on home and swap yoghurt recipes with the Yeaghers.
Daria: And what’s wrong with my yoghurt recipe?
Jane: Why are you staring at my brother?
Daria: Selfless concern? I think he stopped breathing.
Jane: Nah, he’s entering a dormant stage. In about ten years he should emerge as a butterfly. I guess you’re gonna wait.
Trent: Hold over hippies?
Daria: Yeah, they’re big believers in the concept of voluntary simplicity.
Trent: I gotta use that. Sounds much better than broke.
Quinn: Ethan?
Ethan: Yeah?
Quinn: You never told me whether you thought I was…. you know…. cute?
Ethan: Oh. Well sure, you’re cute.
Quinn: Thanks.
Ethan: In a, you know, shallow, superficial way.
Quinn: (no trace of irony) Thanks.

[edit] Monster

Quinn: Don’t you want to shoot me?
Daria: Yes, I want to shoot you.
Quinn: By the way, which is my best side? I know they’re both good.
Daria: Anything you say can and will be used against you. We’ve got our Quinn.
Jane: That’s a wrap.
Daria: But a wrap skirt is a definite don’t. Oh my god, did I just say that?
Daria: Just promise me that if I start acting, talking, or thinking like Quinn, you’ll do the right thing.
Jane: If you don’t respond to drug therapy, I’ll authorize electric shock. By the way, your tweensy weensy pores look really cute today.
Daria: But which is my best side, hmm? I know they’re both good.
Trent: Hey Daria.
Jane: Did I forget to mention who drove me here?
Quinn: I can’t wait to see it. I just hope I don’t sound stupid or anything. Not that I would.
Daria: Perish the thought.
Quinn: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can’t let myself go on too long thinking that.
Daria: Or anything else.
Quinn: I mean, sometimes I’m walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany and suddenly I’m outside of myself watching, and it’s like, who are these girls? Can’t they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars, but then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You’re good at your reading and writing and stuff and you’re good at your little paintings.
Jane: They are miniscule, aren’t they.
Quinn: I figure, being attractive and popular, that’s what I’m good at. Maybe it’s not that important, but you know, it’s what I can do. (leaves)
Daria: Aw, hell.
Jane: Yeah.
Daria: I told her I’d give her the opportunity to show there was more to her than the surface Quinn. Turns out there isn’t.
Jane: And what exactly happened to the pore stuff? Our big finish?
Daria: You know the conscience I don’t have? It got to me.
Jane: So you did the compassionate thing and look where it got you.
Daria: She’s more popular than ever. We set out to make an expose, it ends up a love letter.
Jane: See, we’re like artists. And this is how we screw ourselves.
(Jane puts a camera in a tree branch)
Daria: You’re just going to leave it there?
Jane: It’ll catch everything from the tree’s total objective point of view.
(A second passes, during which nothing happens at all)
Daria: Riveting.
Jane: Andy Warhol once filmed a man sleeping for eight hours and people thought it was brilliant.
Daria: Those people changed their minds once they entered twelve-step programs.
Jane: Look! I think I just saw some leaves rustle.
Daria: There’s our climax.

[edit] The New Kid

Jodie: Hey Daria. I didn’t see you today. You said you might come to the photography meeting for yearbook.
Daria: Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas I had a change of heart.
Helen: Can’t you talk to her Quinn? Why don’t you set her up with one of your friends? They’re all normal.
Quinn: Yeah! And that’s exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried.
Daria: I should’ve known this wasn’t a real date when Robert here kept calling me Darcy.
Robert: Sorry ma’am.
Daria: And ma’am. You were trying to buy my influence with a date?
Quinn: That’s how we do it in America, comrade.
Jake: If this is for Greenpeace, uh, we’ve already given.
Leslie: Greenpeace? Those corporate puppets?

[edit] Gifted

Brittany: The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels!
Daria: Yeah, nothing says “be mine” like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.
Helen: It’s just a visit, Daria.
Daria: That’s what they told J.F.K.
Narrator: At Grove Hills, you can contemplate Proust in our spacious dorm rooms, converse in Latin over a delicious meal…
Daria: (whispers) Dump bodies into the river from our scenic bell tower.
Tiffany: Does this make me look fat?
Lara: They say high school’s supposed to be the happiest time of your life.
Daria: Only if your life is extremely short.
Trent: Uh, who are you?
Jane: You remember Quinn, Daria’s sister?
Trent: Oh, yeah. Daria’s sister. Hey.
Quinn: Excuse me, I have a name.
Trent: Right. Daria’s sister.
Quinn: And then the other thing is, who came up with the name “tennis bracelet” anyway? It sounds like some kind of a sweatband, if you ask me. You know what I’d name them? Wrist ornaments. It’s like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn’t that sound festive?
Jane: (frazzled) Take…. her…. now.
Jodie: (after seeing Brittany’s attempt at art) Rent a brain.

[edit] Ill

Trent: Hello. We’re Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name.
Daria: Look, I’m sorry about last night.
Jane: Ah forget it. It was a rare opportunity; getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.
Daria: You’re sure that wasn’t her brain?
Jane: Nah, there was too much of it.
Jane: Anyway, the important thing is that instead of going to your friends for help, you ran screaming into the night.
Daria: Basically.
Jane: Perfectly logical response.
Daria: I thought so.
Daria: You know, this is exactly the kind of constant figuring that make an otherwise happy person turn into drugs.
Daria: So far, the tests are all negative, so probably nothing. Like I need this.
Jane: What?
Daria: A big, bright mysterious rash covering my skin.
Jane: I know! And here you were, perfectly capable of alienating people on personality alone.
Jodie: Oh, so you’re a little red. It could happen to anybody. (looks at Mack) Well, it could happen to lots of people.

[edit] Fair Enough

Ms. Li: Volunteers are desperately needed. Those who refuse to volunteer must voluntarily purchase a ticket for ten dollars or voluntarily face suspension. Have a nice day.
Quinn: Hi, Sandi, Tiffany. Guess what?
Sandi: You’re transferring to a new school?
Helen: I hope the other girls weren’t too disappointed that you got the part over them.
Quinn: Well, let’s see. Sandi was really nice about it. She said she’s too mature to get upset at somebody else’s incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. And Brittany just kind of made noises.
Daria: Thanks for meeting me here.
Jane: Hey, I wanted to come, remember? Besides, I had to get out. Trent discovered a new chord.
Tiffany: That’s so wrong.
Stacy: Then, do you think I should call him?
Daria: Yes, right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide.
(Stacy leaves)
Jane: (robotically) Must-stick-head-cold-water.
Upchuck: Hey Andrea, you like madrigals?
Andrea: Don’t touch me, you howdy-doody looking freak!

[edit] See Jane Run

Daria: (Notices Jane staring at a cute guy) See something you like or just browsing?
Jane: I’m thinking about getting those running shoes.
Daria: Uh-huh. What color were they?
Jane: Whoever said life was fair?
Daria: I don’t know, but I’ll bet he was a quarterback.
Jane: You know, I’d really like to show that Ms. Morris that the Lanes are no bunch of ordinary deadbeats.
Daria: Of course not. You’re deadbeats with style.
Tiffany: Quinn, your cousin or whatever sure spends a lot of time at your house.
Quinn: Yes, well, um, she has nowhere else to go, what with her parents being in jail and all.
Evan: Have you seen this girl run like the wind?
Daria: Have you ever heard her break wind?
Jane: This is the part where you say “Way to go, congratulations!”
Daria: Way to go.
Jane: (prompting her) “Congratulations.”
Daria: Congratulations.

[edit] Pierce Me

Jane: Where are you going?
Trent: Who are you? Mom?
Jane: No, Mom would never ask where you’re going.
Trent: Exactly.
Quinn: We have to win.
Helen: But it’s not a competitive event.
Quinn: Oh, it will be.
Quinn: That’ll be good on me. That’s cute for me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Possible Mom. Me. Me. (giggles)
Jane: (teasing) Oh, dear, our little girl’s becoming a woman.
Daria: Shut up.
Jane: Don’t you get it, Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all.

[edit] Write Where It Hurts

Mr. O’Neill: So, what Gardner is telling us is that the writer of fiction has a duty that goes beyond the mere telling of a story. His or her job is to tell a story in such a way as to leave the reader…. what, Kevin?
Kevin: Screaming for more full-contact martial arts excitement?
Mr. O’Neill: Daria?
Daria: I believe Mr. Gardner feels it’s the writer’s duty to steer the reader toward more conscientious behavior. No matter how dull that makes the story.
Jake: (shouts) Helen! Helen! What’s the number for 911?!
Jane: So, how’s the story coming? Or does it disturb you if I talk while you’re writing?
Daria: It would disturb me if I were actually doing any writing.
Jane: What’s the problem? Take people you know and have them do whatever you want. I’d make them crawl, I tell you. Crawl!
Daria: We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.
Future Quinn: Hi. (to kids) You know where Grandma’s TV is. Go watch something educational. (kids scamper into living room) Boy, I’m exhausted.
SSW Announcer: Breast implants for chickens-
Future Quinn and Future Daria: Not that!
Jane: Daria, do you think…. someday…. I can read your story?
Daria: No. But you can read the one where you run away with Kevin.
Jane: What?!

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Through a Lens Darkly

Daria: I couldn’t live with myself if I hit a dog. Would you mind telling Quinn I killed him?
Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
Jane: Gonna work your way up to humans slowly?
Quinn: I always knew this day would come and wondered how it would be. Yet, now that it has, I feel strangely…. serene. Sit down, Daria. I can help you.
Daria: Who said I need help?
Quinn: Daria, if we’re to make any progress at all you must be absolutely honest with me. Now, when did you first begin to suspect that your outfit sucked?
Mr. O’Neill: Now, when he shed his regal vestments and began dressing as if he had no money, a very funny thing happened to the prince. What was that? Kevin?
Kevin: He became the poor guy formerly known as the prince?
Trent: Hey, Daria, looks good. (drives away)
Jane: Now, watch out for the girl with the red face who’s forgotten how to walk. Oh, never mind. That’s you.
Upchuck: Sweet Daria, you don’t have to resort to a ruse to get into my personal space. All you need to do is ask.
Daria: Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go. (walks away)
Upchuck: You’ll be back. They all come back.
Jane: Name two. (walks away)
Upchuck: I could!

[edit] The Old and the Beautiful

Mr. DeMartino: Uh, Ms. Li, I wonder if I might-
Ms. Li: Forget it! I’ve already told you: No staff resignations while class is in session.
Brittany: Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
Daria: I think so, but it’s so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.
Daria: What about that squeak you do?
Brittany: (squeaking) What squeak?
Daria: Please, God, an aneurysm.
Jane: For them or for you?
Daria: Both.
Sandi: They may be poor, but that doesn’t mean they should be unfashionable.
Stacy: Right.
Tiffany: Totally.
Daria: They may be shallow, but that doesn’t mean they should be executed.
Jane: Yes, it does.
Daria: Very well, I’m sold.

[edit] Depth Takes a Holiday

St. Patrick’s Day: Not another step, lassie.
Daria: All right, I’ll sign.
Cupid: What?
Daria: Your petition for an alternative lifestyles parade. Where’s the pen?
Cupid: Everything is cool. Everything is love, baby. And the next word out of your mouth will be that particular someone who makes you feel like Queen Cleopatra.
Daria: Trent?
St. Patrick’s Day: Oh, shut up, you bloody- (Cupid drops him) idiot!
Quinn: What was that?
Daria: My imaginary friend fell down.
Quinn: God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.
Quinn: It’s no fair making a popular person compete with a new baby.
Sandi: Really. They’re so cute when they smile at you. “Hello, precious.”
Quinn: Sandi!
Sandi: Oh, sorry.
St. Patrick’s Day: You see, Daria, you really had a wonderful life.
Daria: What the hell are you talking about?
Jane: This is just like a high school.
Daria: You know, I get the feeling we’ll be saying that all our lives.
St. Patrick’s Day: It only seems like high school. Actually, it’s much worse.
Jane: That’s what we’ll be saying all our lives.

[edit] Daria Dance Party

Brittany: Jane, your picture’s full of bloody people! That’s not a still life!
Jane: Sure it is. The blood’s the reason they’re so still.
Jake: Charity bloodsuckers!
Daria: No, it’s the fashion bloodsuckers.
Sandi: You’re kidding! I forgot all about the dance. Gee, that’s too, too bad.
Mr. O’Neill: Um, Janet- I mean, Miss Janet. Ooh! No! That is-
Ms. Barch: Come on, skinny, let’s dance!
Brett: We travel around on weekends trying to find a high school more screwed up than ours.
Jane: And?
Brad: Congratulations. Your trophy will arrive in six to ten business days.
Quinn: How come you guys aren’t at Sandi’s party?
Jamie: It, um….
Joey: Sucked.
Jamie: Sucked.
Quinn: Gee, that’s too, too bad.
Daria: Let’s do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.
Jane: Plus.
Daria: But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.
Jane: Minus.
Daria: We hung out with a couple of guys who weren’t so bad.
Jane: Plus.
Daria: But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.
Jane: Big minus.
Daria: So, we’re more or less even on the night.
Jane: Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.
(They see three members of the Fashion Club locked outside their house, wearing swimsuits, as snow starts to fall.)
Both: [smiling smugly at each other] Plus!

[edit] The Lost Girls

Daria: Welcome to Lawndale, where style meets substance and says, “See ya!”
Quinn: Um, was she a little old for that outfit?
Daria: She’s a little old for that brain.
Daria: It’s School Colors Day. Just a random event inspired by school spirit. It’s got nothing to do with your visit, which, of course, is a huge secret.
Val: You should have told me! I want to fit in while I’m here.
Daria: Therein lies the difference between us.
Val: How about doing a cheer for America’s coolest young women, my readers?
Brittany: Um, okay. Give me a “V”! Give me an “A”! Give me an “L”…. gosh, that’s short.
Val: Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter- I’m really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don’t you read me back your notes?
Daria: Okay. “What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me.”

[edit] It Happened One Nut

Mr. DeMartino: My congratulations, Miss Lane. You’ve done it again.
Jane: Perfect record. I’ve gotten the same thing three years in a row.
Daria: Accountant?
Jane: That’s what happens when you fill in the letter “C” for every answer. Gets the whole test over within five minutes.
Quinn: Does anyone notice anything special about me?
Daria: Yes. From just the right angle, I really can see through your head.
Tiffany: You…. too…. can learn to…. make…
Daria: [prompts] Yes?
Tiffany: …friends. Making friends is-
Daria: Fun? Interesting? Impossible?
Tiffany: …. important. Friends can be very-
Daria: Useful? Supportive? Purple?! What?!
Tiffany: You made me lose my place!
Jane: Misery loves company.
Daria: You don’t have to tell me that. It’s the basis of our whole friendship.
Jesse: Moth to a flame.
Both: Hey.
Trent: You’ve hijacked my brain.
Jesse: Moth to a flame.
Trent: If you don’t release me-
Jesse: It’ll really be lame.
Trent: No.
Jesse: I’ll forfeit the game.
Trent: Nah.
Jesse: My soul’s waves of grain.
Trent: I’ve heard that somewhere before.
Jane: You’re driving me insane!
Trent: Too many syllables.
Jane: Hey, look! Monster trucks and naked models. Naked, naked, naked!

[edit] Daria!

Daria: Oh me, oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn’t wake up dead. So I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.
Jamie: Are we all going to die?
Ms. Li: Not on school property!
Daria: Let’s head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after it’s obliterated.
Jane: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.
Daria: I’m sure they already are.
Theresa: Sorry, ladies, the store’s closing. The hurricane.
Sandi: Let’s get out of here while there’s still time to walk. Running for your life is so geeky.
Tiffany: Oh, no. Wind…. hair.
Daria: My parents are probably starting to worry.
Jane: I know mine would be, if they were in town.
Daria: What about Trent? I’ll bet he’s upset.
Jane: I’ll bet he’s snoring.
Jake: C’mon, Trent! Your daughter and my sister are out there.
Trent: That doesn’t sound right.

[edit] Lane Miserables

Vincent: Oh, honey? Don’t drink from that big bottle in the kitchen; it’s silver nitrate.
Jane: It’s poisonous?
Vincent: Yeah, and I need it for my prints.
Amanda: You know, if you try to hold a butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go. And if it comes back, it is truly yours, but if doesn’t, it never really was.
Jane: (quietly) How about if you tear off its precious little wings?
Vincent: Your mom and I find role-playing a super way to work out conflicts. We also enjoy hitting each other with large foam rubber bats.
Wind: I’d do it, but Katie isn’t here.
Vincent: Well, I’ll be Katie. Trent, would you mind being the flirtatious girl at the check-out counter?
Trent: Uh, I gotta go sharpen my guitar pick.
Amanda: Courtney and Adrian are coming for a visit. Isn’t that great?
Trent: Does Summer know?
Amanda: She should, shouldn’t she?
Trent: Well, she’s kind of their mother.
Trent: Have you seen Janey?
Amanda: No, hon. But if you find her, tell her I said hi.
Jane: Look! A ducky!
Helen: Trent, would you like to stay here tonight?
Daria: Eep!
(everyone stares)
Daria: What?
Quinn: Listen, Daria, I always say that just because a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn’t mean he’s off-limits. Unless you’re the girlfriend. By “you” I mean me, of course. Remember that.
Trent: We don’t really have any rules at our house. Right, Janey?
Jane: Well, there’s that one about not building a fire in the rooms that don’t have fireplaces.

[edit] Jake of Hearts

Spatula Man: Hey, Lawndale High! Are you ready to par-tay crazy?
Jane: What the hell is that?
Daria: If it’s an ice cream truck, that better be some damn good ice cream.
Quinn: I’m training to become a doctor so if Daddy has another heart attack, I’ll be here to save him.
Daria: Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.
Quinn: A heart doctor. If Dad died I would’ve been freaked out for, like, years.
Jake: That’s the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.
Daria: You’re not dying, dad.
Jake: Avenge me!
Helen: Jake, you’re gonna give yourself a- never mind….
Daria: So, my grandmother Ruth will be staying with us while my dad recovers.
Jane: Is this the grandmother who said she’d give you one hundred bucks if you changed your hair?
Daria: Both my grandmothers said that.
Upchuck: Charles is my name, exploring the dark underbelly of passion is my game.
Jane: A date for a bumper sticker?
Jodie: Even Upchuck doesn’t deserve this much humiliation.
Daria: Think how the bumper sticker must feel.
Sandi: Tiffany, dear. Would you please explain to the Spatula Man why a bumper sticker cannot possibly compensate for the shame and permanent reputation damage involved in a single date with Charles Ruttheimer.
Tiffany: Upchuck? Eww….
Sandi: Well done.
Quinn: Ugh! This is SO frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book?
Daria: Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty. Maybe you should start off with something easier. Many coloring books feature hearts- and rainbows.
Daria: Hello? Quinn, telephone.
Quinn: Message pad.
Daria: Quinn can’t come to the phone. She’s studying. Stu…. dy…. ing. No, this isn’t a prank call, you called me.

[edit] Speedtrapped

Quinn: Good, they’re gone. We’re all alone.
Daria: Uh, excuse me, but I’m here.
Quinn: Oh, all right, you can stay. But if you could be really, really quiet, that would be great.
Daria: I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe I’m letting you do this. I can’t believe we’re doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?
Quinn: God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?
Quinn: What’s wrong?
Daria: A cute cowboy stole our money!
(commercial bumper music begins, then is interrupted)
Quinn: Um, actually, that’s not entirely true.
Quinn: Oh, Daria. Are we that desperate that we have to resort to the truth?
Daria: When this is all over, remind me to run screaming into the night.
Quinn: We’ll be through the criminal justice system and home in time for Buffy. Good thinking, Daria!
Daria: Shut up, Shorty.

[edit] The Lawndale File

Jane: “Different,” eh? Hmm…. I wonder what I get if I turn you in?
Daria: More free time to spend with Kevin and Brittany.
Jane: Curse you, different ones, and your insidious logic.
Jane: A lot of weirdness around here lately.
Daria: Yeah. I won’t be sorry to see this day end.
Jane: You say that every day.
Daria: Come on now. Aliens don’t hide in the bushes. It’s probably just a stalker. Yes, a stalker out to plant a teen in a shallow grave. Perfectly normal. I feel much better now.
Tiffany: We’re dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
Sandi: One of us has a problem. That’s all you need to know.
Mr. O’Neill: Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
Sandi: A private problem.
Stacy: It’s a neck zit!
Quinn: Stacy!
Tiffany: Don’t worry, Quinn. They still don’t know it’s you.
(Quinn screams and runs off)
Stacy: Uh-oh.
Tiffany: Did I say the wrong thing?
Sandi: Don’t worry about it.
Jane: So you finally convinced your dad that you’re not a communist?
Daria: Yeah, I’m showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.

[edit] Just Add Water

Jane: How can you eat that meat loaf? Don’t those little colored pieces scare you?
Daria: We only go around once. I hope.
Jodie: You guys are hopeless.
Daria: Damn it, she saw right through our facade of hopefulness.
Jane: She’s the 12th person today.
Mr. DeMartino: Ms. Li, I implore you-!
Ms. Li: Please, Mr. DeMartino! I haven’t heard anyone try so hard to squirm out of a school event since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous excuse about being allergic to crepe paper.
Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
Daria: Excuse me?
Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
Jane: You’re not one of those “young people are our greatest hope” guys, are you?
Tiffany: I wonder where Quinn could be?
Sandi: Tiffany, grooming facilities on these vessels are very primitive. She and Marco are probably fighting over mirror space.
Sandi: Poor Quinn. I can’t believe she’s been (raises voice) stood up.
Jane: Back to the Serenity of Dreamland.
Daria: Yeah. I hope the fire-breathing Cyclops hasn’t caught me yet.
Quinn: Daria…. I need your advice.
Daria: My advice is leave now, and I won’t turn you into shark kibble.

[edit] Jane’s Addition

Jane: Isn’t “exciting assignment” a contradiction in terms?
Daria: I don’t know. Let’s ask our inspiring instructor.
Jane: I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.
Daria: That’s the nastiest name anyone’s ever called me.
Trent: We’re Mystik Spiral. We’ll be back for a second set.
Jesse: This was the first set!
Trent: Uh, yeah.
Tom: Mm, very nice. You like convertibles?
Jane: Sofas?
Tom: Cars.
Jane: Why, you got one?
Tom: Um…. no, but the roof of my car is rusting through.
Max: Look, when I’m going foom-foom-foom-foom, what damn good does it do to have you going badda-dah, badda-dah, badda-dah, blat?
Nick: It’s not blat, Max- it’s blam.
Trent: I got to get back before Max and Nicholas kill each other.
Daria: Yeah. You don’t want to miss that.
Daria: You and Jane aren’t really morning people, are you?
Trent: Hey, the night holds the key.
Daria: The key to what?
Trent: I don’t know, Daria. It’s early.
Daria: What are you doing here?
Tom: Those really good friends of mine? They totally blew me off.
Daria: I really hope he makes it as a musician, ’cause I can’t think of any other job he could hold down.
Tom: I don’t know; you know those farmers that get paid not to grow anything?
Trent: Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I’m late.
Daria: How do you know? You don’t wear a watch.
Trent: I’m always late. That’s why I don’t wear a watch. They depress me.
Daria: You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Partner’s Complaint

Helen: No, no, absolutely not! It’s unethical, it’s immoral, it may well be illegal. I’ll have no part of it. (pause) Okay, I’ll do it.
Mack: (sighs) Why didn’t I pay my dad back in third grade?
Brittany: I’m here with my friend Jane, who respects my intelligence.
Jane: She’s embellishing a little.
Trent: Hey, Janey. Hey, Da- (sees Brittany) Whoa!
Brittany: Go on, tell us, Mack.
Mack: Could everyone stop saying my name like that? It’s creeping me out.
Helen: I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his “World’s Greatest Dad” cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he’s sworn off coffee.
Daria: Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.
Daria: I hate everybody.

[edit] Antisocial Climbers

Jane: I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody.
Daria: You were a Girl Scout?
Jane: Not after the deprogramming.
Helen: I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away.
Quinn: And, it comes with a matching snakebite kit.
Tiffany: But…. why would you bite a snake?
Sandi: You don’t understand, Tiffany, dear. The woods are full of slimy, cold-blooded creatures. Isn’t that right, Quinn?
Ms. Li: The fool! He’ll never make it down in his condition. I’m going after him.
Jane: Wow, that’s kind of heroic.
Daria: He’s got her video camera.
Jane: Oh, yeah.
Mack: Mr. DeMartino sent me and Kevin out to find you.
Ms. Li: And where is Kevin?
Mack: Um-
Ms. Li: Never mind.
Mack: Okay.

[edit] A Tree Grows in Lawndale

Daria: Gee, this won’t end badly.
Jane: You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle.
Daria: Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge, would he do that?
Jane: Dunno. We’ll try that next time.
Daria: You know, if you break up Brittany’s attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.
Jane: (grabs Daria’s notepad) “Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?” Eh. Are you sure you don’t want to replace “lips” with “skull?”
Daria: It’s a work in progress.
Mr. O’Neill: You’re being judgmental, Daria. And you know what they say: Judge and you get mental.
Daria: And you know what I say.
Jane: Life sucks and then you die?
Mack: Come on, man, it’s just a sprained knee. You gotta play. The team needs you.
Kevin: No, it doesn’t. The only team that needs me is the one that sits all the time: The chess team.
Mack: But you don’t even know how to play chess.
Kevin: Oh, yeah? King me, king me, king me!
Jake: That’s it, we’re moving! Look at this, it say Lawndale High’s football team is the worst in Lawndale history. It says Lawndale High is a school for losers!
Helen: Jake, that’s the Lawndale Shopper. It’s written by an eighty year-old man who, if you recall, had to be taken off his roof by the fire department because he thought he was being chased by screaming mice.
Jake: That doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
Quinn: Oh, Daddy, mice don’t scream.
Daria: Yeah, you’re thinking of lobsters. Who’s up for seafood?

[edit] Murder, She Snored

Brittany: Kevvy? What’s that A doing on your paper?
Mr. DeMartino: Why Brittany, that’s the most intelligent question you’ve asked all year.
Brittany: Thanks!
Mr DeMartino: I think one of you, Kevin, snuck into the classroom last night, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMY LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!
Daria: But who does he really suspect?
Jane: That Jimmy guy?
Jake: Hey kiddo! How was your day?
Daria: Fine. I heard a new voice inside my head and Kevin stole a test so everyone’s getting an F.
Jake: That’s great!
Helen: Daria, you were just kidding about the voice, right?
Daria: (to herself) Relax. We don’t have to answer that.
Ms. Li: Miss Morgendorffer, it is my duty to inform you that you are the number one suspect in the murder of Kevin Thompson.
Daria: What?
Jane: It’s always the quiet ones.
Mack: What can I say about Kevin? That he was…. well, he was…. um…. he never made anyone feel stupid. Thank you very much.
Ms. Barch: I’d just like to say that I’m glad Kevin is dead. I wish all males were dead. Thank you, and go Lions.

[edit] Fail

Mr. O’Neill: So class, your assignment is to pick something you know you’ll fail at, to prove that failing isn’t the end of the world.
Daria: There goes my motivation.
Jane: Relax. At least he’s not making us guess people’s identities by feeling their hands.
Daria: Again.
Jane: So, like, do I look conventional or whatever?
Mr. O’Neill: Okay then. Jodie?
Jodie: I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have this summer off.
Mr. O’Neill: Excellent! And see, you’ve learned that failure isn’t so bad now, is it?
Jodie: No, I’ve learned that my parents would rather I dropped from exhaustion than missed the opportunity to shred some congresman’s incriminating phone bills.
Kevin: I’m the QB- no more.
Jane: Cheer cheer cheer, yell yell yell. Who cares who wins, we’re all going to hell. If my peppy doesn’t work for you I could always try my perky
Jodie: Come on, look at her. Is that the face of a thinker?
Jane: You could try failing at being sarcastic.
Daria: [Sarcastically] Yeah, like that’ll work.

[edit] I Loathe a Pa